Ask Amy: Instagram dad doesn’t become instant father – The Denver Post
Dear Amy: My daughter recently located her biological father on Instagram. She is 25 years old.
She has reached out to him multiple times over the last several months to try and have a relationship with him and to meet her siblings.
He doesn’t seem very interested and doesn’t even keep in touch with her unless she makes contact first and sometimes even then he doesn’t respond.
Should she continue to try and have a relationship with him?
I have encouraged it just because of the sadness and loss that has occurred over the past year. I figured this is a great time to try to reconnect with family and form special bonds and relationships, but is it really worth it?
– A Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom: I agree with you that this is a great time to “reconnect with family and form special bonds and relationships.”
The kink in the plan, however, is to assume that a DNA parent who did not know of a child’s existence or has never had a reason to seek a relationship, might choose to do so now.
You don’t say if her biological father had any knowledge of her before these recent contacts, but I do wonder about your own judgment regarding the hopes you seem to have placed on her ability to quickly form a positive relationship with him.
Dads who father children and either don’t know about them or don’t claim and help to support and raise them, aren’t always eager to become an instant parent once they are found through DNA matching or on social media.
This man has other children (and perhaps a spouse), and it is possible that he is keeping this daughter’s existence under wraps until he can figure out how to tell his other family members. Or his other family members already know, and they are discouraging contact because your daughter’s presence in their lives is disruptive.
Your daughter knows how to contact her father. You should neither encourage nor discourage this contact – but you must be there to patiently pick up the pieces when things don’t go the way she hopes.
Dear Amy: Early last year my 37-year-old daughter finished a beauty school degree.
She worked for a few months, and then was laid off during the pandemic.
She lives two states away, but I’m pretty sure she isn’t currently working.
She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to start nursing school.
I didn’t mention the $4,200 beauty school tuition bill (which is still due), because recently she learned that her husband has been having an affair, so I thought it wouldn’t be good timing.
Last weekend I sent her a text regarding the balance, but she didn’t reply.
I have been paying her tuition and have been happy to do so, since she didn’t attend college after high school, but I don’t think it’s fair for her to just walk away from a career so quickly. She doesn’t seem to care about the tuition bill, which is still outstanding.
She said she thinks she can get financial assistance for the nursing program, but I wonder, since the beauty tuition is in her name (not mine, thankfully).
I also texted, “Would you work as a beautician while going to nursing school?” but no reply to that, either.
What do you think?
– Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned: I think it’s time for you to let your daughter figure things out.
I’m a little unclear on how she could have finished her beauty school classes while still owing the school money, but if you intend to stop paying this school fee, then you should give her advance notice.
Nursing is an extremely challenging and rewarding career. The schooling is tough, but nurses are in high demand and the pay can be very good. If your daughter is truly motivated to attend nursing school, she will find a way to do that, and you should support her interest and efforts to get there, without necessarily paying the tab.
Dear Amy: I’m so disappointed in your shaming response to “Blank Slate,” the mom who was terminating her parental rights to her son.
Who are you to judge this parent?
Dear Upset: I’m not judging this mom; an actual judge is judging her.
Her parental rights are being terminated by a court because she abandoned her young child.
I affirmed her knowledge that this course of action was best for the child and gave her credit for both realizing and admitting that.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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